I wrote this years ago, but never published it out of fear of repercussions from the parent. But I could have written it and related to it any given school year, to apply to many parents I have encountered over the years. Perhaps it will resonate with other teachers out there. And hugs to you!

Dear intimidating parent:

I want you to know how much I care about your child. I spend a great deal of time thinking how to make his experience better. I want him to engage and learn and I really want him to like me.

You and I have more in common than not. I have children too, and though it has been very rare, I too have not always agreed with the decisions my children’s teachers have made or some of the ways they have run their classrooms.

I want to urge you to believe your children’s teachers. I can assure you that they would not take the time out of their class to correct your child if there was no disruption to learning, and wouldn’t have contacted you unless the behavior they are communicating really took place.

I understand that you want to believe your child, but hopefully you can also see why children would lie and deny – they don’t want to get in trouble! The teacher? She is busy and she wouldn’t take the time to make up some incidents unless they actually occurred.

Your child loves you and respects you. They follow your lead on most matters. If they see, think or feel you don’t like someone, they won’t like them either. If you disrespect his teachers and show disapproval, you embolden him to do the same. Please try to support teachers no matter what, and realize that the more you can do this, the better chance your child has of having a good relationship with his teachers. You do not want to deprive them of the gift of loving their teachers. There is nothing like that bond and please realize it does not in anyway change your bond with them.

Even when you don’t agree with the decision, offer support anyway, with a statement like, ” I’m sure they had a good reason,” or “Maybe they were having an off day.” And if you feel your child was truly in the right, you can advise your child to make choices such as ask for a seating change away from a child who is engaging in talking or acting out that they may be getting blamed for. Problem solve.

Intimidating parents may be the greatest stressor I have personally endured this year. Especially those who intimidate parents and administration. In these situations, when I have exhausted all strategies within the classroom, I need backup from our admin to help tame your unruly child. They too feel intimidated by you and so your child receives warnings if anything, and he is permitted to think rules don’t apply to him. He needs to be held accountable for his actions but they get left unchecked because no one wants to interact with you. This only accelerates the behavior I see in my room. We ramp up from minor disruptions to extreme disruptions, defiance and disrespect.

Here’s what concerns me the most for him: he is finding mutuality with other disrespectful and defiant students. The company he is keeping is among the worst I could imagine for him. This should be of a far, far greater concern to you than any expectation I’ve enforced in my classroom.

I am not placing all the blame here with you. Surely he should take responsibility for his actions and I could have forged a better relationship with him in the beginning. But teachers need to feel they can partner with parents and have a liaison and support in you.

When you copy your harsh email to the principal, threaten to call a meeting with central office leaders, or to sue, you break teacher-parent trust and there is no partnership.

The teacher is left to go it alone. The classroom of students who want to learn are having their education infringed upon on a daily basis while your child thinks up a laundry list of ways to push my buttons and has a huge smile on his face while doing so. Talking back, disrespect, making noises, roaming around the room. Yes, he enjoys it.

He gets it: I can do whatever I want in here and no one can do anything about it.

Congratulations.